if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
