Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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