I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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