im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
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