dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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