What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
