so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
