That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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