I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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