My hair reeks of homosexuality.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
