I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
