I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
