You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
