you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
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