I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
