I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
