True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
