I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
