He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Randomize
