I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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