when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
