dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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