Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
