I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
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