I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
We had to coat check the pizza.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
