Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
