So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
