Umm I'm too high to move.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
