I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
