They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
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