yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
