Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
