Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
