have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
