The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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