I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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