what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
