I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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