I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
