new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
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