My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
