I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
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