it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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