Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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