he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
