plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
