I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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