peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
