i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
