You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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