I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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