Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
